There are specific moments in life I know all too well. Someone says something dressed up like a joke, but instead of being my usual quiet self, I let my emotions take over, releasing everything I've pent up. When I look back, the person on the receiving end ends up getting more than they bargained for, and honestly, the outburst rarely has anything to do with them. They're on the receiving end of something built by others, long before that moment.
It's the kind of trait I don't like about myself, and it's easy to look at it in a biased way and say, "at least I expressed myself, at least I wasn't fake, and that's a good thing." But that raises the real question: how does that affect the people when they experience that side of you?
This is the toxic trait I'm talking about: swallowing things until they come out sideways, at the worst possible moment, on the wrong person.
What is a Toxic Trait?
Bottling It Up Until It Bursts
Most of the time, I'm a pro at letting things go. A comment that stings or a joke that lands the wrong way - I brush it off, and I tell myself that it's not worth making a fuss about. And just like that, it's gone... or is it? It does not actually disappear; it gets stored away, after everything else I've already let slide. Then one day, that storage tips over.
What triggers it is not even that big of a deal. And instead of being my usual happy self, something else takes over. I call it an emotional fart: a sudden urge to be honest about how I feel, with no regard for how it lands. In that moment, it feels like relief, but it may have caused damage to that person in front of me. They didn't cause it; most of what came out had nothing to do with them. They just happened to be the trigger, the one thing too many; at that moment, the pressure finally gave in.
Not Wanting to Be a Bother
This trait shows up in the smallest moments: someone offering to split the cheque, help with a task, or give me a ride, and I politely decline; I'd rather suffer than be an inconvenience. On the surface, it can look noble. Independent, even. But that behavior can affect the people closest to you. Always refusing help makes the other person feel unneeded, therefore creating a distance between people. And not wanting to be a bother doesn't protect anyone; it adds an unnecessary load on you, instead of letting people carry it.
This behavior has been with me for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, I didn't want to inconvenience my parents, to the point where I would hide that my jeans were torn or that my phone was old.
What These Traits Have in Common
When you look at the two toxic traits mentioned, they look nothing alike. One is easy to spot, loud, a sudden outburst, raw and immediate. The other is quiet and unassuming. But they share one characteristic: they both come from a place of not wanting to burden people or look helpless around them. These toxic traits are a temporary shield, a way to avoid making things harder for the people around me. But a shield doesn't just block out the bad things; it also blocks the oncoming good things: the help someone genuinely wants to give, and the leeway to be close and build a relationship.
How to Spot Your Own Toxic Traits
Neither of the traits I mentioned about myself seem "toxic". That's not unusual; research by organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich found that while 95% of people believe they are self-aware, only 10 to 15% actually are.
I did not see it that way myself. It was tied to who I was; they look like a personality: being independent, taking things to stride, and not dealing with them. A few honest questions helped me see mine more clearly. Does this behavior only show under pressure or when I'm tired, hurt, or stretched too thin, rather than everyday moments? Do I catch myself justifying these actions, telling myself that at least I was honest? Do my actions and words hurt the next person or destroy a relationship? If the answer is yes to any of those things, it's worth sitting with and not judging yourself.
Final Thoughts
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| Photo by Mariangel Andrade |
Recognizing a toxic trait in myself doesn't mean I'm a horrible person, or that it will stick with me forever. The fact that you finally see it is an actual good sign. The girl who hid her torn jeans and the woman who calls her outbursts "emotional farts" were both trying to protect people. Not realising I'm actually making things worse for myself. Realising this has made me more aware of how being "me" can affect others.
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